"Here's an interesting story. According to the Washington Post, President Bush spent 2,496 hours on various exercise machines during his time in the White House. That's a lot. I guess during retirement he's just going to read a lot of classified memos." --Jay Leno
"A Senate Republican said today they want Bill Clinton to testify at Hillary Clinton's secretary of state confirmation hearings. And if he does testify, this could be the first time he could truthfully say under oath, 'I did not have sex with that woman.'" --Jay Leno
"Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger says the budget crisis in California is only getting worse. He said it is so bad, we may have to start selling Senate seats here." --Jay Leno
"This is what politicians do whenever they get in trouble. Early this morning, embattled Illinois Governor Rod Bla-son-of-a-bitch -- is that his name? -- I keep saying it wrong. ... Well, they always do this. He invited several ministers into his home this morning. Well, first, he prayed with them. And then, you know, out of force of habit, he tried to take up a collection." --Jay Leno
"Time magazine reports that Governor Blagojevich has an approval rating 4%. That's with a margin of error of 5%. That means he could actually disapprove of himself." --Jay Leno
"Sources say that Congressman Jesse Jackson Jr. is Senate Candidate Number Five, whose emissary allegedly told Governor Blagojevich that, in return for Jesse being appointed as Barack Obama's replacement to the U.S. Senate, the governor would receive as much as $1 million. Now, if this turns out to be true, this could be the worst setback for the Jackson family since the invention of DNA paternity tests." --Jay Leno
"Hey, kind of an emergency today. There was smoke coming from the Capitol Visitors Center in Washington, DC, a small fire. So far, arson investigators have narrowed it down to three suspects: head of General Motors, head of Chrysler, head of Ford. Could be any one of them!" --Jay Leno
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